with Shira Myrow, LMFT
“We’re all going to fail at something in life. It’s a given. So we have to figure out not how to avoid them entirely, but how to relate to them when they happen.”
Failure feels like such a loaded word. It still carries a social stigma to it. How can we reframe it in a way that is less off-putting?
I agree. On the surface, failure sounds like a final judgment, an endpoint in which there is no recovering from. And there are definitely cases where people can do serious harm or have severe lapses in moral judgement. But failures are also subjective. There’s a spectrum. We’re all going to fail at something in life. It’s a given. So we have to figure out not how to avoid them entirely, but how to relate to them when they happen.
Often times the judgment we have about our actions are overly harsh and critical. I think failures can be an invitation into a different kind conversation with yourself if you can get passed the shame and tendency to shut down. I think of it as an invitation to develop resilience by embracing the resistance and the uncomfortable feelings to get to the deeper meaning or lesson behind it.
How do meditation and mindfulness help us with failure experiences?
When we can combine contemplative practices like meditation and mindfulness with a compassionate, courageous form of inquiry---we can become more skillful at working with our ourselves. And when we can soften our self-judgment, we can figure out what next steps to take. Do we accept that something isn’t going to happen? Or do we try again?
Meditation and mindfulness are amazing tools for self-regulation...and for calming down the anxious mind. You can’t metabolize the lessons of failure when you’re in an emotionally reactive state. You can’t get the value or the meaning out of the experience until you can distance yourself from the web of negative thoughts and emotions that can obscure the clarity and wisdom that might just be lurking beneath them.
How do you “redefine” failure?
Perhaps a more approachable way of defining failure is a feeling of deep disappointment and loss frequently coupled with shame or frustration. And when you define it that way--so many experiences in life can fit that description: losing a job, making a bad financial decision, going through a divorce. Maybe we’re failing at love or failing at parenting. It’s rather specific to the individual. One person’s success could be another person’s failure. Often times, we don’t realize that our feelings of failure have a lot to do with comparing ourselves to others, and that can influence our perception of how well or not well we’re doing. That’s something to be mindful of, so we don’t lose our connection with our internal compass.
Why are we so afraid of failure?
Failure triggers a stress response in our brains and our brains perceive the thought of failure as a threat. It’s not making distinctions though --whether the failure is an actual threat to our survival or, let’s say a perceived threat. It’s responding the same way. Social humiliation activates the same system of fight or flight in the emotional center of our brain. None of us want to suffer from the painful emotions or hypercritical thoughts that we associate with failing. Of course, we want to avoid it or even deny it. But when we don’t do the inner work, we set ourselves up to repeat the same patterning that led us to this point in the first place.
From your perspective, why is failure so critical in terms of our psychological development? And how does it foster resilience?
Failures drive our psychological growth. That’s why they’re such rich experiences to mine. But we get so caught up in the embarrassment or humiliation, that we miss how failures serve our development. Myself included. A little self-disclosure here. Resilience is born precisely out of adversity, out of challenge. We’re not born resilient. We don’t magically become resilient reading self-help books or watching TED talks. You become resilient by integrating those difficult experiences and consciously adapting.
You only start to trust that you can resource yourself as you go through difficulty and crisis. And as parents, there is finally a recognition in the culture that we’re not helping our kids anymore by taking away every disappointment from them. In fact, we’re doing them a great disservice if we never allow them to fail.
How does changing the story or narrative around failure help us become more resilient?
Language is so powerful because it shapes our experience. If we get stuck in a shame story, we can’t move into a more generative conversation --what did we learn? What would we do differently next time? What meaning can we get from this? In order to build resilience, we need a thoughtful process, an opportunity to mindfully assess and reflect so we can integrate the experience.
One way to ease the vice grip of over-identification with failure is giving yourself permission to learn and make mistakes or allowing yourself to be a beginner and have a beginner’s mindset when you try new things. Those are both compassionate reframes. When we change how we language our story, we can start to shift how we perceive it. I use it with the couples I work with who come in and feel like they’re failing at marriage because they’re fighting all the time. I show them that their reactive bids for connection or problem solving are what’s failing. Instead, curiosity, compassion, persistence, and self-awareness, can create a a new set of patterns, to become skillful in a relationship.
How does meditation help us with our resistance to working with failures?
Over time, a meditation practice not only teaches us how to sit with those difficult emotions, it starts to soften our resistance. What do I mean by resistance? It’s our discomfort confronting and unpacking our feelings around failure. I like to think of the resistance as a monolithic wall that makes it seem impossible to walk through. But the more we sit, the more the energy changes...and the wall turns into a fog that we can walk through and get curious and compassionate about. We still need courage --as we can’t always know what’s on the other side, but the resistance becomes permeable. And it’s this experience that allows us to feel a renewed sense of possibility. That change is possible. Failure isn’t so much a barrier or inconvenience, or obstruction in our lives as much as it is a doorway into self-reflection and profound self-growth.
My series on Redefining Failure on the Evenflow App is a deeper dive into that exploration of compassionate inquiry. Making mistakes and confronting emotional challenges are extraordinary doorways to uncovering the essential questions in failure experiences but also discovering ourselves in the process.